Four Americans Killed By Somali Pirates And Scurvy, But Mostly By Somali Pirates

I'm getting further into my twenties now, and more and more I find myself enraptured by the thought of traveling abroad, primarily aboard a sea vessel of sorts. There are three places for which I yearn to see in such a manner: Fishing for marlin off of Florida, the slight, salty taste of the sea breeze tickling my tongue; taking a historic trip around the Mediterranean Sea, touching the paths of forlorn armies from days gone by; and finally, heading on over to the Indian Ocean, boarding a yacht with several pious white people and launching bibles out of T-shirt cannons onto the Somali people, who likely can't even read.

Needless to say, after this week's news I had to visit my travel agent to pick up some much needed life insurance for my trip. And hand-to-hand combat training:

Bible distributors who were taken hostage by Somali pirates were killed while negotiations between the pirates and U.S. military forces were underway Tuesday morning.

U.S. forces boarded the yacht in response to gunfire, and discovered that four hostages had been shot. Two of the pirates were killed, and 13 captured in a confrontation, according to a statement from U.S. Central Command. Scott and Jean Adam's vessel Quest was taken hostage. 

(...) 

The couple had been distributing copies of Scripture, including "Catholic Bibles" from the American Bible Society and NIV Bibles from the International Bible Society, to places like Tahiti, New Zealand, and Fiji. "Because Catholics have a slightly different Bible than Protestants we carry both Bibles, and at several different reading levels," they wrote on their website.

Hey, know what was probably going on at the time in Fiji?

How about in Tahiti?

New Zealand*?

Nice! How about Somalia?

Oh. Funny note: these are the actual first page image results for these places. Better call up that travel agent and have her renew my gun license - and drop that sexual harassment charge. Seriously, that was three years ago! I didn't know butter shouldn't be used that way. You totally wanted it. Sorry, I undress. I mean digress.

Look, I'm not a really religious guy. But something tells me this isn't the kinda shit you wanna be doing to spread the word of your (g)God(s). You wanna give succor to these fucking savages? Drop a few BLU-82s, build a McDonald's or two (thousand) and make me president dictator. We can fret about this religious shit later, we have a Dollar Menu to discuss.

*Alright, so there was an earthquake there. Whatever, stop ruining my point. My blog, eat shit.